Boston

Recently through a series of events I stumbled upon a website of a Unitarian Universal church (with a once rich Biblical history) in Concord, Massachusetts named First Parish. To make a long story short, I was led to this sermon preached in dedication to a newly constructed wing of their building:

http://www.firstparish.org/cms/sermons/1058-taverns-and-tabernacles

Up until this time I had never actually heard a sermon from a UU church and so I listened. On only one occasion the speaker mentions "God" and he happens to be quoting another person. The rest of the references to a higher power are just that- or less. At one point he openly doubts the records of Exodus to be reliable. He speaks much of spirituality and community and being a church and searching for truth and enlightenment. While I listened I realized a couple things:

His sermon was pretty much a term paper with no redeeming value whatsoever. It sounded more like a history lecture than a sermon for a church. But I guess that's what the UU church is all about. Quasi-spirituality that is just a shell of authenticity. I looked through some picture galleries of the church and in all the pictures everyone is smiling and having a good time and they seem genuinely happy and one album was from a gay pride parade:

http://www.firstparish.org/photos/gallery2/v/2009PrideParade/

Which made me think, "How can they be so happy in such a hopeless and vacuous way of life?"

And then I remembered that a lot of times I sin because it makes me happy for the moment and a lot of the time I'm really good at hiding my guilt and shame from even my closest friends. Which next lead me to think, "How can I reach people who don't want to be reached?"

This is really creating a hitch in me because I feel like God might be sending me to the very area that this church is in, but these people are unashamedly against God and are actively open about it. In Isaiah 6 right after Isaiah says his famous "Here am I! Send me!" statement God says this to him:

“Go, and say to this people:

“‘Keep on hearing, but do not understand;
keep on seeing, but do not perceive.’
10 Make the heart of this people dull,
and their ears heavy,
and blind their eyes;
lest they see with their eyes,
and hear with their ears,
and understand with their hearts,
and turn and be healed.”

I've been wrestling over this issue that to me is staring me in the face everyday:

Boston. They hate God. They'll hate you. You will fail. They'll run you out of town and for what? To preach the gospel to people who don't want it anyway and may even have their eyes blinded before you get there? You're not called to go there. You're not obedient. You'll never be able to be used like Matt is.

This fear of failure and of the unknown has been causing me to shrink back from the thought of planting in an area like Boston and, worst of all , it has caused me to stop praying about it like I know that I want to. There's something within me that screams Boston to me all day. What kind of torture is this? I can't shake it and I can't shake God. If this is from God then it almost seems cruel. If it is of my own imagination then God stop me.

I see in a small way how MUCH satan wants to discourage me in this: You aren't God's man. You will fail. You aren't cut out to plant. You...

So now I'm faced with this: When I wake up I feel the weight of Boston. All day I feel the weight. And recently I've been running away from God and the thought of interning in Boston in hopes that it might "go away". Some days I feel this quickening in my spirit that I have a special purpose in Boston. Some days (and most recently) I run.

I'll end this long blog with my fear and my hope. Here is my fear: Hebrews 11 speaks of great men of God who,

"through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight.35 Women received back their dead by resurrection."

The very next verse says this,

Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. 36 Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated— 38 of whom the world was not worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

I'm fearful that I may wind up in the camp who got tortured, sawn in two, and who were destitute. That is honestly one of my sinful worries, but I do admit it. But who am I to worry about that? Because here is my hope: in the very following verses in Hebrews 12:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

So much could be said from these verses but maybe I'll do that another time. I need only to say this:

My sin of unbelief clings to me and weighs on me very heavily. If God is calling me to plant then He has lovingly determined the race that He has set before me. It is my race, determined for me. Matt's race is not mine. Mine is not his. I look to Jesus because He is all and I don't know how I'm saying this but I just know. I won't be called to plant somewhere because of me but because God has work to do and He has invited me to come see what He's going to do. If God wants me in Boston then that is where I will toil and strive.

I'll end with this because it's all I got right now. Hebrews 12:12-14

12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.

SDG